If if isn’t personal what the heck is it?

Author Interviews That Rock

Julie Cross

TEMPEST
& VORTEX

Click the pics for awesome Julie links!

Okay Julie, tell the readers a little bit about  your books.

Tempest is the first book in a young adult trilogy that follows my main character, 19 year old Jackson Meyer, as he jumps through time (literally), to learn about his past and to try and save the his girlfriend, Holly. Vortex is the sequel to Tempest and it releases in the US on January 15, 2013.

Just to get us started, how old are you?

I’m 32.5 years old

What inspired you to write TEMPEST & VORTEX?

The concept for Tempest came in layers as I worked with my now editor, Brendan Deneen. My idea started with a sort of time travel story that was also about aliens and gymnastics. His idea was to acquire a teen version of The Time Traveler’s Wife. Tempest is a story that emerged from both our creative brains.

Why time travel?

The type of time travel is Tempest appealed to me as writer because I love the idea of having a character revisit moments of his or her own past. The scenes where Jackson visits years that his twin sister, who died of cancer at 14, was still alive were so emotionally powerful to write. That’s probably what made me fall in love with writing time travel.

What made you want to write in the first place?

I started writing in May of 2009. I think I was mostly looking for an escape from everyday life. The kind of escape you get from an amazing book. I read a lot and there were moments when I wanted to change the course of a book. It dawned on me that I could write my own story.

What keeps you writing?

I wish I knew the answer to that question. Once I started, I just could stop. In fact, I waited to get bored with it, to quit, but so far that hasn’t happened. It’s challenging and stimulating in a way that I hadn’t experienced before and I feel like there’s always something more to learn. It’s amazing to discover your passion, even at 29 years old. Truly amazing.

What is the best piece of writing advice you were ever given?

My first instinct is to say, Read a lot. But that’s the piece of advice I often give to writers who ask me this question, but I already read a lot so I didn’t need to hear that particular advice myself. I’d have to say reading Stephen King’s book, On Writing and the part (don’t quote me or anything) where he says something along the lines of, most importantly, you have to write a good story. It just meant that I didn’t need to feel intimidated by the idea of finding big words and creating mind-blowing symbolism and metaphors. Or even understand contracts and the publishing industry before beginning a novel. I just needed to write a good story. 

How do you discipline yourself to keep at the writing?

I only have to discipline myself to up with other aspects of my life…laundry, exercise, grocery shopping, cleaning, my kids’ homework and activities. The writing part so far doesn’t require discipline. 

When did you decide, this is what I really want to do? I want to be a writer! Was there a particutlar ah-ha moment?

When I was offered a three book deal with St. Martin’s Press/Thomas Dunne Books, all I had were questions and confusion and many of them my editor couldn’t answer right away as I searched for an agent, but he sent me an email that said basically, “Just keep in mind, from this day on YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. BE. A. PUBLISHED. AUTHOR” and he wrote it just like that and it hit me that no matter what, whether I wrote forever or not, I’d be known as a published author. That was truly my aha moment.

What is the most important thing for a writer to remember?

There is almost never one clear answer, one clear path, one right way to do anything, to tell any story, and to interpret any story. Open your mind to the realm of possibilities and don’t dwell on the impossibilities and improbabilities and all things that begin with a negative.

Do you belong to any cool writerly groups on or off line?

I’ve recently been emailing with some YA authors that I’ve met at events and doing some beta reading and critique.

If you were to mentor other writers what wisdom would you find most helpful.

I like honest critique, even brutally honest. I’m one who can handle it just fine. But I realize others need to work in phases. I think the idea of being able to pitch a story in a sentence is so helpful to new writers. Even if you figure everything out in your story and it doesn’t quite fit into a one-line mold, chances are you’ve worked out some issues while trying to get it narrowed a bit. It took me such a long time to figure out what it meant to be able to summarize a story in a short statement. Whenever I couldn’t do this, there was always something wrong with my plot. If you can address this even before you begin writing, it could be a huge factor in getting a finished product that can actually be sold.

Just for kicks… What are some of your favorite TV shows, movies?

My current favorite shows are GLEE, Dance Moms, The Voice, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, Falling Skies. My movie favorites are very all over the place, I almost never go to the theater (just for the big ones like Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Twilight, ect…). I love comedies and I’ll watch any cheesy romantic comedy, even the DCOM and ABC Family ones. I typically write/read edgy, emotionally heavy and sometimes intense thrillerish stuff so that must be why I choose the lighter movie/TV options.

If you could be a character from a book who would you be?

Katniss Everdeen. Hands down. I need her survival skills. I’m assuming while taking over her body, I’d also be allowed to acquire the knowledge stored up in her brain?

Last movie you saw at the theater?

Hunger Games

What is your favorite board game?

Monopoly.

How do you get into your characters heads?

Good question. I’m not sure, but I’m sure that I do get in their heads and become them. I leave myself and my views and opinions completely in the dust.  

What is most special about your protagonist?

For Jackson, it’s his potential to be great, however sometimes I’d have to say that comes in second to watching him fail in the process of reaching his potential. It took me a while to realize how much I wanted him to experience the struggle to be great just as much as I wanted to see him get there.

Do you listen to music while you write? If so what gets you motivated?

I usually don’t listen to music, but I could if I wanted to. I’m pretty relaxed about my writing place and time. I can shut out the world around me even if it’s quite hectic.

Other than writing, what do you like to do for fun? Hobbies?

Reading. I also love running. I’m really great at it but it brings a different challenge and a lot of clarity within the creative part of my brain.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A teacher. Always a teacher. But the type of teacher changed constantly.

If your protagonist could give one piece of advice to your readers what would it be?

Always prepare for the worst. Write everything important down in notebook that you always have on you.

What would your villain/villains have to say about that?

Well…I suppose they would support this advice fully. They are very intelligent and capable people. Unfortunately.

Any closing words of wisdom for other author-wannabees out there?

Enjoy the freedom of writing just for you even if publication is your end goal. If you enjoy reading books in your genre and you create a story that you enjoy reading there’s a good chance other people will like it, too.

And there you have it! Personal and Real with Julie Cross!

Check out Tempest & Vortex on Goodreads-http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13364300-vortex

Come on in.

By now you know the gate is open, welcoming

everyone into the realm of children’s literature!

It’s not magic.

Everyone can…

Crash The Gate!

Click the pics for awesome writerly links!

Okay, so sometimes you feel like the Grim Reaper is sitting beside you, silently insinuating that your WIP should just RIP and the sooner the better.

And you bang your head against your keyboard and the resulting gibberish seems better than everything you spent your day writing. You think you’re never going to get it right, but your WRONG and the LUCKY 13ers are proof!

Sure, it seems crazy, but it’s true. Publishing a book is not impossible. You know you can do it. Just like the Lucky 13er’s who’ve paved the way, you too can pull a sword from a stone! (Get it? The impossible can really be done! Seriously if Arthur and Link can do it…) You need some tools, for sure! Confidence, Persistence, Dedication and A Little Bit Of Luck!

Ignore that Grim Reaper, take heart, and learn what the

Lucky 13ers already know…

 

 

 

 

 

Brandy Colbert

A POINT SO DELICATE

 

 1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

 

I realized my story was meant to be a book when I couldn’t stop thinking about the characters and imagining all the ways I would tackle the “what-if.” That’s usually what drives me to write a story, the what-if. I don’t outline on paper, so I’ve found it’s the best way to plan out the story in my head before I start writing. The abduction plot came first, then the ballet. I have a not-so-secret fascination with dance books and abduction books, so I guess it only makes sense that I finally combined the two themes to write the type of novel I’d want to read.

2. Advice to aspiring writers.

Don’t quit. Seriously, don’t. You’re going to have some really bad days and face multiple rejections. We all do. Even after the agent and after the book deal. But you never know who will be intrigued by your pitch or pluck your query out of the slush pile. Keep reading, keep writing, keep getting better.

3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

Besides the rejections and the waiting? (Oh, the waiting – it never stops.) I think sharing my work with other people was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I’ve been writing since childhood, but even then, I would only show my stories to one close friend. I finally realized that I couldn’t improve if I didn’t show my writing to other people. And I wanted to make my books as good as they could possibly be. So I sucked it up and found critique partners. My CPs have changed over the years, but they remain one of the most invaluable parts of the process.

 4. The most fun thing?

The most fun part for me has been meeting so many new people, from connecting with an agent and editor (both of whom I absolutely adore) to becoming friends with other writers in various stages of their journey. I feel quite fortunate to know so many people who feel the way I do about books, reading, and writing, and none of this would be nearly as fun without them.

 

Kristin Halbrook

 NOBODY BUT US

 1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

I knew it was meant to be a story when these fictional characters, this fictional journey, this fictional story . . . set against a backdrop of the real world, of real struggles, broke my heart. And I had only jotted down a blurb for the story at that point.

Usually, for me, it’s that passionate emotional response to some or all parts of a potential story that keep me invested in it, that keep me needing to write to see what happens.

 2. Advice to aspiring writers.

First, determine if you want to write because you love to write or if you want to write because you want to be published. The journeys for either option are quite different.

If publishing is your goal, begin writing with knowing that writing, like all crafts, demands an apprenticeship. There is a learning curve, different for everyone, and climbing that mountain, combined with talent garnered through both nature and nuture, is what will help you succeed in publishing. Paying your dues should be rewarding, as you develop your style and voice, grow your vocabulary, read more in your genre, rather than frustrating. You’re doing good work here!

 3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

Learning how much time I need to take away from my manuscripts before I’m ready to revise. Ultimately, it’s a gut feeling to know how much time, but almost always it’s more time than my brain thinks it “should” be.

 4. The most fun thing?

The most fun things about this journey are building friendships with those in the community, celebrating their successes and my own, starting new projects and the feeling of satisfaction that comes with having met several life goals.

 

Chelsey Flood

INFINITE SKY

1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

Good question. ‘Infinite Sky’ started off as a sort of memoir really, I was just writing episodes from my childhood, trying to make them funny or sad, but in the voice of a character I’d had for a while: Iris. The story came worryingly late to the party, after about 50,000 words, I think… And I discovered it at the time I wrote it. I didn’t have a story worthy of a book for aaaages. Oh, how I worried.

 2. Advice to aspiring writers.

My advice is don’t worry if you can’t write sometimes. Go and do something else: walk, read, run, get drunk, have fun, dance, catch up with friends and family. Pay attention while you’re doing these things too so you can refill the mysterious pit of creation. Most important: don’t let writing ruin your life!

3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

Hardest were all those years where I felt foolish/delusional calling myself a writer, when I’d just had a couple of stories published and was working full time as a waitress. All my friends seemed to be getting somewhere in their careers and I didn’t even have one. I used to really dread being asked what I did. I even stopped asking other people. I went straight from name to hobbies or books or whatever. It didn’t catch on.

 4. The most fun thing?

There have been lots of fun things. When my book went to auction I was pretty happy, but the research was the best. I went to Appleby Horse Fair last year, as it’s a really exciting event date for Irish Travellers. I had my fortune told, and the lady said I would be a writer. She had this incredible fast patter, and was really intense. She’d put cardboard on the floor of her caravan to save the carpet from the mud, and there was all this immaculate china on the windowsill and sides. I wanted to stay for dinner! Actually, she said I would get money without having to work for it. Now that would be fun.

 

Elsie Chapman

DUALED

1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

 An innocent question from my son about doppelgangers. It got me thinking about how it would make a good premise for a book. So I decided to try writing it.

 2. Advice to aspiring writers.

Keep writing. Finish what you start. Make time for it. And read widely when you’re not writing, just to stay immersed in words in another way. Publishing is an awesome goal, but the writing comes first.

 3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

The rejections, the coming-this close-but-not-quite, the waiting. The days you felt like your writing was absolute crap and then struggling to put those days behind you.

 4. The most fun thing?

The publication journey really does give the best of both worlds—I get my alone time to write, and when I need to get out of my own head for a while, I can always find support from other kidlit authors I’ve met online this past year. Also, the idea of seeing my book in a bookstore still pretty much blows my mind.

 

Emma Pass

ACID

 1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

ACID is based on a story I wrote when I was 14, after a friend and I challenged each other to write a story set in a prison. I didn’t get much of it done, but the idea stayed with me, and over the years, I had a couple of attempts at writing it as an adult novel. Somewhere along the line, I discovered I was actually a YA writer. After snagging my fabulous agent with a contemporary YA that didn’t sell, I went back to my prison story, and this time, it was ready to be written.

 2. Advice to aspiring writers.

Never give up! It might be the next book that gets you that publishing deal, or the next one… but if you don’t write them, you’ll never know. And you’ll learn a huge amount from every book you write, even if it doesn’t go anywhere but your bottom drawer.

Also, don’t throw any of your early stuff away! It might come in useful one day (like the story that became ACID did for me!).

3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

The self doubt that crept in after each rejection, or when I knew my writing wasn’t working but couldn’t figure out why. What kept me going was my love for writing – even if ACID hadn’t sold, I’d still be doing it. I’m also lucky enough to have a very patient and supportive husband, who refused to let my insecurities get the better of me even when I was on the verge of giving up!

4. The most fun thing?

For me, it has to be what’s happened since ACID sold – namely, getting online and connecting with writers, bloggers, reviewers and everyone else out there who loves books and reading. I was even asked to join my wonderful group blog, the Lucky 13s, via Twitter! I never expected to enjoy social networking and blogging as much as I do – in fact, before I got my book deal, I avoided it, and as a result often felt quite isolated. I didn’t feel like I could tell many people about my writing, so I didn’t know anyone else who was doing what I was trying to do. There’s an amazing community of people out there and I feel privileged to be part of it.

 

Jessica Corra

AFTER YOU

 

1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

I’ve never been good at having ideas for short stories or novellas. I tend to assume all my ideas are novels-length, or will be once they grow a bit. As far as when I knew AFTER YOU was something special, I’ll be honest: I gave myself shivers when I jotted down the one sentence idea that sparked the book on scrap paper at my desk at work way back in September 2009.

2. Advice to aspiring writers.

Read, write, breathe. Remember to live. You won’t have anything worth writing if you become a black hole of bookishness, fun though it is to be a black hole of bookishness. But do keep the creative well filled. Practice, and just keep going. There is no race.

3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

This is two-fold: I would say I struggle with the endless revision loop, but what that ultimately boils down to is my own impatience.

4. The most fun thing?

I get to work in sun-drenched cafes sipping Italian sodas and coming up with that rejoinder I can never make in the moment, envisioning the romantic scenarios and sweeping adventures I will probably never have, and bring it all to life. I get to dig deep into characters and stories and push them to their edges and then over, until everything sings with a resonance that makes me ache. I get paid to do this. I have the best job ever.

 

Justina Ireland

VENGEANCE BOUND

1. When did you realize the story in your head was meant to be a book?

 Not until after the third or fourth draft, unfortunately!  I wanted it to be a book, but it wasn’t until later drafts that the story really started to gel.  I generally write without an outline, so my method of writing is a little chaotic.

I start by asking “What if?”  With Vengeance Bound (the tentative title of my forthcoming book from Simon and Schuster) I started with an idea of “What if there was a teen girl version of Dexter (the serial killer from the Jeff Lindsay books)?  What would she be like?  And what would motivate her?”  I really liked this idea of a girl who spent her days worrying about typical high school things, like boys and lip gloss, but spent her evenings killing people guilty of these terrible crimes.

But the first few chapters weren’t really working.  My main character was very unsympathetic, and very cold. So then I began to play around with the idea of some sort of paranormal element motivating her, compelling her to seek out these targets.  While researching mythology I stumbled upon the Furies, and everything kind of came together.  And my main character, Amelie, was born!

 2. Advice to aspiring writers.

 First, read, read, and read some more!  Everything that gets published ends up there for a reason.  Figure out what worked in that story, and think about how you can apply that same principle to your writing.  I’m not saying to plagiarize another author, because that’s just wrong, but look and they things they do to move the story along.  Take Suzanne Collins, for example.  She writes great action scenes, and a lot of it is her use of these short, choppy sentences that move your eyes across and down the page very quickly.  Patrick Ness, who wrote the Chaos Walking Trilogy, does the same thing.  So if you’re struggling with an action scene, if it drags or just doesn’t have enough tension, you may want to try breaking up your longer sentences with a few shorter, choppier ones.  By reading how successful writers apply the craft, you can figure out your own style.

Second, when you’re revising don’t be afraid to make the big changes.  The general feeling among writers tends to be “I finished a draft!  Now I just need to smooth out a few things and I’ll be all done!”  That doesn’t always work, and writers shouldn’t be afraid of making major overhauls.  Kill a character, delete a few scenes, add new scenes, get rid of weak plotlines.  Big changes can mean big payoffs, and so can small ones.  Don’t feel committed to your plot if it’s just not working out.

And third, and most important, never give up.  It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of rejection and a lot of self doubt to get published.  I think every writer has had that moment where they’ve stopped and asked themselves “Am I wasting my time?”  If you think you’re wasting your time, ask yourself why.  Is it because you aren’t really that committed to writing?  Or because you’re afraid of more rejection?  Everyone gets derailed at some point.  The important thing is to keep working, to keep improving, to keep marching towards that goal, no matter how long it takes to get there.

 3. The hardest thing about your journey to publication?

The waiting.  Nothing travels quickly in the publishing world, and the waiting would try even a very patient person.  First, you wait to hear back from your beta readers and critique partners.  Then, you wait to hear back from agents once you begin to query them.  And when you’ve landed an agent you wait to hear back on revisions.  When you go on submission you wait to see what editors think of your manuscript.  And then there’s waiting on contracts, and edit letters, and copyedits…the waiting never seems to end.  And it’s easy to lose confidence when you’re waiting, so it’s important to have other things to think about while waiting, like new manuscripts in progress.

 4. The most fun thing?

Right now, I’m loving the idea that people are going to finally get to meet my characters.  That’s just amazing.

 

 

You didn’t really think we were done did you..?

Stay Tuned for the next installment of the Lucky 13ers.

The Lucky 13ers Part Three!

                                                                                                 Wanna chat with other YA writerly folks?

“Why you want me to read that crazy suicide book? I don’t got those problems.”

Seven teenagers committed suicide in my small town.

ALL IN ONE YEAR

One hung from the rafters above the goats. One decomposed in a car beside the lake, suicide note and empty pill bottle in hand. Another put a bullet through his brain. The others were less dramatic, but just as horrible, equally memorable.

With one high school in town there wasn’t a single person not connected to the tragic teens. Students, athletes, artists, friends, sons and daughters, they went to school, church, practice, parties—they were everywhere, around everyone, and no one saw the signs. One disastrous choice opened the floodgates and a stream of youth followed. Our little town was blind until we were blindsided.

A year later driving to the airport, preparing for a SCBWI conference, I listened to Jay Asher’s (beautifully read audio version) of Thirteen Reasons Why. Jay was speaking at the conference. I wanted to familiarize myself with his work.

I listened on the plane, during my layover, in the taxi, that night before falling asleep. For hours I was captivated by the story of a girl who committed suicide. Next morning, I searched out Jay Asher, congratulated him. In addition to being a writer, I’m a psychiatric nurse, my specialty, At Risk Youth. Thirteen Reasons Why became an integral part of my therapeutic life, a lifeline for my patients and me.

True Story

            One evening, in group session, I switched off the television, flipped open a book and began reading aloud.

            “Hey!” A heavy-set kid in cowboy hat and boots turned from the window, jabbed a fist toward me. “Why you want to read us that crazy suicide book? We don’t got those kinds a problems.”

             A chorus of teen echoes reverberated through the common room. Boys grunting, girls slouching. No one making eye contact.

            I smiled, shrugged, read on until silence swallowed the room.  Eventually, I paused, took a sip of water and a boy about fifteen leaned toward me, half lounging on the couch.           

           “What’s wrong with that ho, why she so stupid?”

            I tipped my head, counted to three.

           “Shut up Mo-Fo.” The oldest member of the group snapped, “That girl’s just whack.”

            A tiny grin sparked my lips.

           A petite cheerleader with heavy eyeliner smacked her gum. “You’re stupid. Can’t you see how messed up she was? How everybody screwing around with her hurts, bad?”

           “Why don’t she tell somebody?” A Skinny boy with a guaze bandage around his wrist, squeaked.

            I eyed the kids, waited.

            A quiet girl raised pencil-thin eyebrows, whispered at the skinny kid, “Why didn’t you?”

           Thirty seconds of DEAD SILENCE, then conversation erupted, words on top of words, spilling out  like lava. Every kid had a take on the story, each related to something. Each knew about the seven suicides over the past year. Each had thought about suicide and never told before.

After that, Thirteen Reasons Why became a staple in my office, it supplanted the usual hospital-approved propaganda and morphed into a routine member of group therapy. I frequently sent it home with kids who always said the same thing, “Why do you want me to read this crazy suicide book?” But, every time I handed one out  it facilitated conversation, opened up avenues of communication, allowed kids to express themselves, talk about  taboo topics.

So, when I think of dark YA that’s had an impact on me, Thirteen Reasons Why immediately springs to mind. Yes, it’s about death, of course there’s violence, mean people, cruelty, sex. But Jay Asher’s book leads to light, like the light at the end of a tunnel. I’m grateful to him for writing an amazing book and for giving me a tool that opens life-saving channels of communication!

 Thirteen Reasons Why

By Jay Asher

 (From Good Reads)

“Clay Jensen returns home from school to find a mysterious box with his name on it lying on his porch. Inside he discovers thirteen cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker, his classmate and crush who committed suicide two weeks earlier.

On tape, Hannah explains that there are thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he’ll find out how he made the list. 

Through Hannah and Clay’s dual narratives, debut author Jay Asher weaves an intricate and heartrending story of confusion and desperation that will deeply affect teen readers.”

 

 

 

Though the WSJ and the NYT may know exactly what “Dark YA” entails, I don’t. For every book I picked up for this challenge, I found an excellent reason why it didn’t qualify. And what is “dark” anyway? Tone? Subject matter? Lack of hope? Evil creatures? Evilness in general? Amorality? Who knows. (Well, lots of people know apparently, they just don’t agree.) But since this post couldn’t write itself, I decided to come up with my own definition of dark YA.

Tessa’s Definition of Dark YA
Life sucks, everybody dies, the end.

Though The Book of Lost Things, one of the few books I would class, without hesitation, as dark (or rather OMG DARK), doesn’t fit the description. For one thing, it’s adult. For another not everyone…well, ok, lots of people die. And their lives do mostly suck. And uh…*passes hand slowly through air* nothing to see here. Move along.

My point is I’m not sure if my book of choice for this week’s blogfest, Hunger by Jackie Morse Kessler, is, in fact, dark. It’s an “issue” book. It ends well. There’s flying horses.

It also gave me a creepy-crawly feeling I haven’t had since the heroin scene in A Monstrous Regiment of Women. I wanted to eat everything in sight—anything to make Lisa stop obsessing—except when I went to the fridge, all I did was stare and wonder about calories. And that one scene I-can’t-tell-you-about-due-to-spoilers between Lisa and her mom? O.M.G.

Lisa’s life very definitely sucks and while not everyone dies, some people do. One person at least. So it totally counts.

Hunger Playlist

Lisa’s songs

Iris — Danger is the Shame

Don’t say I’m all surrender
Even though you know it’s true
The danger is the shame
With things that I can’t tame
Danger is the shame

Plumb — Manic

There’s a chemical in your brain
It’s pouring sunshine and rage
You can never know what to expect
Your manic, manic

Redlight King — Past the Gates

We own these chains that pull the weight
And do our best just to dance with fate

Florence + the Machine — Seven Devils

Holy water cannot help you now
See I’ve had to burn your kingdom down
And no rivers and no lakes, can put the fire out
I’m gonna raise the stakes; I’m gonna smoke you out

What Famine’s horse would sing to Lisa
(If he felt like singing)

The Echoing Green — Crybaby

shine so bright
well come on, crybaby!
I wanna take you, take you for a ride

500 Words. (I actually used this picture as an exercise for my WIP. What is the protagonist’s greatest fear in monster form?)

It’s a blur of movement. Impossible to hold in any one place for too long. It refuses to be ignored and will ruin even the best-laid plans. Watching it twist and turn makes me nauseous. It makes me aware of my breathing so that I realize I’ve been holding it. It makes my heart pound so deep that I feel the beat in my fingers. I hear it in my ears.

In its presence, sounds dim, lights dim and I’m made to navigate without a clue as to the direction. It asks more of me than I have to give and I fear being caught in its funnel cloud. That crap will pick you up and throw you miles from where you started.

Love never had a face. Until now. Its face is his and the image is so jarring I can’t find a way to process it. Now it howls “I’m in love with you” and it makes my heart bang like shutters in a windstorm. I have no schematic for this. No way to crawl out of the situation. If I were Dorothy I would have never made it to the storm shelter and instead would be hanging by my pinkies off a light pole as Toto flies past.

To give in to it is scarier than anything else I can imagine. There is no promise that the twister will stop twisting. In fact, I suspect it twists sharper and deeper the more invested in it you get. It teases me with images of he and I holding hands, kissing or curled into each other. If I indulge the fantasy, if I feed it with curiosity, I see images of us married. I see our children.

I also see myself fighting with him. I see him tiring of me. I see myself crying because we are separated. I see him happier with someone else. I see myself deserted and alone.

Love struck my mom when she was only eighteen. She met my dad freshman year of community college and was railroaded immediately. They married quickly, had me quickly and slipped into a pattern of arguments so loud that they bothered the neighbors. A glass of wine before bed turned into several and it didn’t take long for my mother to be drunk more often than sober. Love strangled the life out of my mom. It left my dad disillusioned and alone. And now it wants me to trust it? It wants me to give my heart over to it? Like hell.

But if being stubborn were a good enough defense, I would be safe. However, my own thoughts are betraying me. My body is betraying me. I’m no longer certain what I feel for him. I’m afraid that all my protections might have failed. I’m afraid I might be in love.